Author Comment
Carmelita9000
Posts: 306
(6/19/04 9:35 pm)

 3094: Robo Pimp Daddy stops up short.
<He's been chasing after Superstar Sparky, who's been chasing after the Devilfish, but Sparky's stopped running too. He's just standing there looking at something...>

RPD: What did you stop for? How am I supposed to chase you if you stop? Hey. What the hell happened to the Devilfish?

SS: <Looking at the Devilfish's disgusting bloated corpse> I don't know. I guess it suddenly realized it's a fish and can't survive out of water. What happened to that Chris guy?

RPD: That jackass? He twisted his ankle or had a heart attack or something. All I know is he fell down a few blocks back and didn't get back up again. Like I was gonna help him.

SS: So now what do we do?

RPD: Well, our Devilfish may be dead, but all is not lost!

SS: I thought we didn't like the dev--

RPD: That's not the poin. The poin is we need to show Rimmi who's boss.

SS: It is? Because I thought the poin was we didn't want her to get mad at us. Hey, don't you have a crush on h-- <Robo Pimp Daddy snatches the magic dice from Superstar Sparky> Hey! I was gonna use those!

RPD: I'm gonna use them too, my good man. Rimmi will never boss me around again! <He rolls the dice>

***

<GROPE HQ. Rimmi is sitting at the dining room table, looking over some blueprints. All the sudden four scantily clad yet racially diverse young woman appear around her! Each one is dressed (for all intents and purposes) in a different bright color and each is holding a bottle of brightly colored juice.>

Rimmi: Gah! Who the hell are you?

Red girl: We're the Fantanas!

Rimmi: The who?

<Each girl thrusts her bottle of juice in Rimmi's face as they strike a pose and introduce themselves>

Orange girl: Kiki!

Red girl: Capri!

Purple girl: Sophia!

Yellow girl: Er... uh... The Yellow One!

Purple girl: My God, Lola! What is your problem?

Orange girl: I knew we shouldn't have let a blonde in the group, I swear.

Yellow girl: You guys, shut up, ok? I just got nervous is all!

Red Girl: All right, girls, focus, ok? We gotta remember the mission.

<Each girl puts on her best Serious Face and juts her hip out in her best Serious Pose.>

Rimmi: And what is your mission, exactly?

Yellow girl: To shake our thingies!

Purple girl: Lola!

Red girl: To help everybody have fun! Which, in fairness to Lola, does often involve shaking various body parts, yes.

Yellow girl: Yay! Shake! Shake!

Orange girl: You don't look like you're having fun, Chickie.

Rimmi: Don't call me Chickie. And I'm busy. I got these blueprints of PM's lair off the internet and I need to memorize them before midnight or else we'll be totally screwed when we try to--

Red Girl: Let's go, Fantanas!

<Music starts up, seemingly coming from nowhere.>

Fantanas: o/`Wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! o/`

Rimmi: <speechless>

<Lita and Mickey walk in>

Lita: What the hell is all this racket? Who the hell are these flooseys?

Orange girl: Kiki!

Red girl: Capri!

Purple girl: Sophia!

Yellow girl: Lola! Hey, you guys! I got it!

Fantanas: We're the Fantanas! o/`Wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! o/`

Lita: Wow. This is gonna get annoying quick...

Rimmi: It's already there, Lita.

Mickey: I don't know. I think this one likes me. <He motions to the Yellow girl who is gyrating her hips right next to him and thrusting her bottle of yellow juice in his face> Hey, Baby.

Yellow girl: o/` Wanna Fanta? o/`

Rimmi: Ok. So how do we kill them?

Lita: Maybe we should try putting them all in a very large Ziplock bag and sealing it up so it's airtight and then--

Mickey: Can't we keep them? I think they're cool!

Lita: You can't possibly.

Fantanas: o/`Wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! o/`

Lita: No! Shut up!

Rimmi: Ok, Mickey. You can keep them.

Lita: Oh, Rimmi, no...

Rimmi: But you better keep them out of my hair. I don't even want to be able to tell that they're here. No stupid songs in my head. No empty bottles of juice scattered all over the lair. No being set upon by sluts at all hours. Or else it's Mr. PoinyMcHappySackSlasher for you!

Lita: Yeah! And me too! <Everybody looks at Lita. The Fantanas even stop singing for a few seconds.> ...By which I mean that Mickey better keep these whores out of my hair too. Of course. I'm not asking to get sworded.

Everybody: Ohhh...

<The music starts up again>

Fantanas: o/`Wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! o/`

Lita: And you'd better keep them the hell away from Evil Mike.

Mickey: Whatever you say! Oh boy, this is gonna be great! Come on, Ladies!

***

<Two hours later, in Mickey's room. Mickey's dancing happily with the girls.>

Fantanas: o/`Wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! o/`

***

<Two more hours later. Still Mickey's room. Everybody's still dancing.>

Fantanas: o/`Wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! o/`

***

<Two more hours later. Mickey's room again.>

Mickey: So that was fun. You girls wanna do something else?

Fantanas: o/`Wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! o/`

***

<Another two more hours later. Mickey's sitting in a chair at a desk in his room. His face is blank. The girls keep singing and dancing and shaking their juice around.>

Fantanas: o/`Wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! o/`

<Mickey's face is still expressionless. He reaches over to a pencil holder on his desk. He pulls out a pencil. He snaps the pencil in two.>

Fantanas: o/`Wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! Doncha wanna wanna Fanta! o/`

<Mickey doesn't blink as he drops the two pieces of pencil onto a growing pile at his feet. He reaches over and grabs another pencil.>


Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
Actually went to the Fanta website for this reply
That's right. I have seen the dark side.
You bastards better appreciate it.

Green light.

Author Comment
MickeyTGardener 
PANTSMASTER!
Posts: 704
(6/21/04 3:15 am)

 3095: (Mickey's room falls silent)
Lita: Uh oh.....Mickey killed them!!

Rimmi: ....And...that's a bad thing?

Lita: Well......hmm....I'm conflicted....we better check on the situation anyway

(Lita knocks on Mickey's door, no answer)

Rimmi: (Tries the doorknob) Locked....uh oh....you don't think he's....mating?

Lita: I'd rather he killed them....besides, he'd have a tie on the door if he was (Runs a credit card through the lock and the door opens. The girls are asleep while Mickey is at the computer)

Rimmi: Wow...if I had a nickel for every time a geek had hot chicks in his room and all he could think about was the computer....

Mickey: Oh hey girls....didn't notice you....

Lita: Mickey....what happened?

Mickey: When they weren't looking, I slipped Nyquill into their Fanta. But that's not what's important....I did some research....

Lita: Right....research.....you had a 1.4 gpa

Mickey: No this is serious! I found something very important about the Fantanas!

Rimmi: On the Fanta website?

Mickey: Not exactly.

Rimmi: Huh. two-guys-that-live-in-the-basement-and-make-up-weird-shit.com

Mickey: It's a reliable source!. Anyway...the guy on the right, he says that the Fantas are actually part of a government experiment in mind control.

Rimmi: They're controlling our minds?

Mickey: Not ours...theirs.....it's part of a program for juvenile delinquints. They brainwash and color code you and put you on display....they got the Power Rangers from it, too

Lita: This is all VERY farfetched

Mickey: Sophia doesn't even like juice...she's a raging alchoholic! Something must be done about this!

Rimmi: OK, Mickey...you need to stop reading bad science fiction.

Mickey: This is serious! The youth of America needs saving!

Lita: Assuming this is true....and that's a really big Dick Barfurai level of assumption.....it's not really a bad thing. Clean some of these kids up

Mickey: Not like this! It's too horrible! Look Lita...Gramps isn't here...but if he was, he'd say "Back in my day, we had a thing called rehab"...and then he'd fall asleep.

Lita: Yeah, sounds like something he'd do

Mickey: I'm tired of talking to people who won't believe me....and sitting in a room with 6 chicks and I'm not getting any! I'm taking action! (Mickey leaves the room)

Rimmi: Uh oh....

Lita: Oh he's probably just going to go find a prostitute

(Suddenly, the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the Armored Car from the beginning of Diabolik that was once a time machine but now isn't and has been out of comission for awhile but makes it's grand rp return crashes through Mickey's room)

Lita and Rimmi: GAH!!!!!!

Mickey: OK...help me get the girls in the car

Rimmi: Mickey...you are on your own on this one.....

Lita: And you're paying for all this (Lita and Rimmi leave the room)

Mickey: Don't worry girls, I'll save you...and the world!

MickeyTGardener
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the Watched Gigli and Lived to Tell Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Club
two-guys-that-live-in-the-basement-and-make-up-weird-shit.com, Contributing Editor


Green Light

Edited by: MickeyTGardener  at: 6/21/04 10:27 pm
Author Comment
Rimmie Borden 
Goat Dancer
Posts: 197
(6/21/04 9:11 am)

 3096: Chris:(runs to catch up to RPD & SS.) Hey! Read th
RPD: (startled by Chris as he joins them on the sidewalk. Chris shoves a laptop into RPD's arms.) What is this?

Chris: I just got inspired to write a fictionalized account in screenplay format about Mickey and the Fanta broads getting into some crazy hijinx. I included myself. Artistic license.

SS: Oh, sheesh. You are kidding, right?

Chris: Just read it before you judge. I've been told by many scared people that I'm a great screen writer.

RPD: (reads the screenplay which has been done with a cheezy screenplay computer program. Everything is centered and the top and botton of the screen has taskbars which look like movie reels) Okay. I'm sure it's a masterpiece. (rolls eyes)

Act 1, Scene 1

Ext. Pine Barrens, middle of the day, winter

(The chickss are diging there own graves while Mickey
Wallnuts and Chris Moltisanti watch, holding guns.)

Mickey Wallnuts:
(To red Fanta chick who is diging a whole)
Hey, bruchiach, dig the whole deeper.

Chris:
Yeah. We got otehr people to
wack before teh day is done.

Red chick:
Why are you doing this? All I wanna do is
tell people how wonderfull Fanta is!

Chris:
Shut up, you. This isn't
persoanl. Just buziness.

Purple chick:
Have you even tried Fanta? You should try it and you'll be
taken away on jet skees to Fantanna Island!

Chris:
That is tempting but I must decline, ladies.
Buziness is buziness and dollars is
donuts. Get back to work.

Mickey Wallnuts:
You ar so wize.

Chris:
I know.

(Sudennly orage chick rases her shuvel and smaks Mikcey
Wallnuts upside the head and the yelloe chick uses her
shuvel to hit Chris betweene the legs. While the
heros are tempuraily out for the coant, the chicks
run like crazy into the woods screeming and whinning.
Chris rekovers first and tries to shoot at the red
chikc and hits her Fanta, spraying red
licquid all over the snow.)


RPD: Yeah. That was something special. (closes the laptop and hands it back.) You should go and finish that right away.

Chris: (beaming) I got this scene coming up where the purple chick shoots Tork in the foot. It's paying homage to Goodfellas-

SS: That's great. Say, we gotta get going.

RPD: Yeah. We're late for a- a- a- waxing.

SS: A waxing?

RPD: Yeah. See ya! (run away FAST from Chris who is already deep in thought about his next scene.)

SS: A waxing?

RPD: You try thinking straight when you can't take your eyes off that unibrow.


Greenlight!

~Rimmi~
"America hates that."

"minimal ham or potential for actual ham"

Edited by: MickeyTGardener  at: 6/21/04 10:28 pm
Author Comment
MickeyTGardener 
PANTSMASTER!
Posts: 711
(6/22/04 9:55 pm)

 3097: Evil Mike: OK, what the hell???!!!
Lita: What?

Evil Mike: I had a whole stash of Nyquil and it's gone!

Lita: Uhhhhh.....

Rimmi: You drank it all, you just don't remember, silly

Evil Mike: Huh....sounds like something I'd do, I guess

(Mickey returns)

Rimmi: Mickey? You better not have brought the Fantanas back!

Evil Mike: Fantanas? They're were chicks here and I wasn't notified? (Lita elbows Evil Mike) I mean, more chicks (Lita elbows Evil Mike again)...Jeez, there's no pleasing you, is there?

Mickey: I dropped them off somewhere on the interstate. Turns out, the two guys in the basement were wrong...they've never been wrong before!

Lita: What has the world come to?

Rimmi: You made sure they're not coming back, I hope

Mickey: Yeah...they're out hitchhiking....down the street from Ortega's house....and Teggy loooooves picking up hitchhikers, heh heh. Now excuse me...I got to shampoo the rug...they spilled that damn juice everywhere.....

Rimmi: And don't forget that big hole in the wall

Mickey: The what now? (Goes back into his room)

Lita: Oooooooo-kay.....Anyway, we need to figure out where the Fantanas came from.

Evil Mike: 8 people got really horny 20 years ago. Case closed.

Lita: That's not what I meant

Rimmi: I haven't seen PM on the MSTBlanca surveillance cameras in days. I don't think this is his doing...

(Dramatic Blue Man Group Music plays)

Fox Narrator: What's your verdict? Is PM responsible for the Fantanas appearance at GROPE HQ? Text message us your verdict now!

(Suburban Home)

Sister: Oooooh!!!!

Brother: Do me a favor, save the 50 cents.

Sister: Oh, screw you!

(Back at GROPE HQ)

Rimmi: Huh. Only one text message and it's no. So....who would do this to us?

Robo_Pimp_Daddy: I think I can answer that......


MickeyTGardener
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the Watched Gigli and Lived to Tell Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Club
Bathroom Attendant to the Stars



Green Light

Edited by: MickeyTGardener  at: 6/22/04 9:57 pm
Author Comment
Carmelita9000
Posts: 315
(6/25/04 1:09 am)

 3098: PM: Aww, geez! I don't know!
<PM is sitting on the side of a road looking dejected.>

PM: I just can't figure out where to find a reanimated corpse. I've disgraced my great great great great great grandpa Tuthmosis! <He buries his head in his hands>

Cow: Have you tried Haiti?

PM: <looks up> Oh, I don't know if it's worth leaving the country for.

Cow: Oh well. I guess you'll just have to deliver mooe back to wurwolf and then I'll--

PM: Hey, wait a minute...

Cow: What is it?

PM: You're a reanimated corpse!

Cow: I amoo not!

PM: Yes you are! Before you were a cow you were a mummy and that definitely counts as the walking dead!

Cow: I'd hoped you'd forgotten about the mooumoomooy thing...

PM: A good Pharaoh never forgets! Great! I've got all the stuff I need for my plan to take over the world! Now it's off to... <He opens the book and flips through it.> My grandfather's ancestral home in... Florida!

Cow: But I don't want to go to Florida!

PM: That's too bad, Corpsy the Cow!

Cow: Corpsy the... That was terrible.

PM: Well, It's been a long week. I'm tired.


Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
Red Light

Edited by: Carmelita9000 at: 6/25/04 1:10 am
Author Comment
Tork110
Poin Protected
Posts: 137
(6/25/04 10:05 pm)
| Edit
3099: So it's come to this.
<Tork is walking to a mall.>

Tork: I can't wait to buy the latest Zelda game. The new one will be in 5D!

<Tork enters a video game store. Yes, these descriptions are pretty straight forward. Deal with it!>

Tork: I want to buy Zelda: The Tree of Acorns! It sounds so cool, and the way they hyped it means it couldn't possibly disappoin!

Guy Who Sells Video Games: We're all sold out.

Tork: What about that copy over there?

Guy: That giant box is just an advertisement.

Tork: I see.

<Tork walks to the wall o' games and looks around. He spots one that stars a frog named Mickey. As he reads the box, he starts to imagine what the game would be like...>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Mickey has left a strange reality to find---even more of a strange reality.)

Mickey: *croak* Hmmmmm...my return to the real world must be on the other side of this street and that river up there)

(Mickey starts to cross the street, when a generic looking yellow car goes speeding by)

Mickey: *croak* Hey, watch where your going! Where'd you learn to drive? Massachusetts (Little New England in joke there. Don't pay any attention to it)?

(Mickey hops rapidly across the first part of the street, avoiding more generic looking cars, some yellow, and some even *gasp* red and *gasp again* blue, Mickey's relieved, only to find...)

Mickey: *croak* Trucks??? (Mickey, doing his best to avoid the trucks while hopping across the street, is regretting his desicion to leave the others. He regrets it even more when he gets past the trucks to discover more cars and more trucks. When Mickey finally gets past all of them, he finds himself on the river bed, gazing out over the river)

Mickey: *croak* okay, so I just have to hop on these logs and turtles and....eek!!!! Crocodiles! Eeeeeek again! Snakes (watch out for them!) EEEEEEKEST! Anteaters (Wait, I don't remember that). Screw this! I'm going back with the others!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tork: At least he wasn't a preppie.

<Tork leaves the mall empty-handed, and walks back home. Yep, you better have a good imagination.>

Tork: Well, at least I couldn't possibly be hit by a bus.

BUS'D!!!

<Tork is now lying unconscious on the street. While his body twitches, he has a flashback...>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JDB: This is Joe Don Baker

[...]

with a KTMA Action News special report.

Mickey: Ah, it's not that special.

Tork: Quiet! This might be about Nuveena.

JDB: The oppressive heat wave that's held NOTEurope in it's grip for the last few days is showing no signs of letting up.

Tork: That's it...build the suppense...he'll talk about her any second now.

Mickey: Tork?

Tork: ANY SECOND NOW.

Mickey: Uhhh...ok...I'm gonna go get some ice cream. (Runs fast into the kitchen)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<Meanwhile, at Batwoman's place....>

Rimmi: This is where RPD gets out of jury duty!

Mickey: Rimmi, you have to admit that this is a weird video for you to have.

<The telephone rings. Lita answers.>

Lita: Hello? Oh dear! Tork is in the hospital!

<Yes he is, now. GROPE goes to check in on Tork. Yes, this is moving at a fast pace.>

Lita: Poor Tork.

Rimmi: I hope he's ok. I can't imagine what it would be like if he died.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[PM] Skully, you're a jerk!

[...]

[Skully] No way! *You're* the jerk! Only a jerk would yell at me for drinking the beer you leave out for everyone else to drink!

[PM] I yell at you because when *you* drink it, it ends up all over the floor!

[Skully] Oh, that's a low blow! You know I can't help that! I don't have an esophagus!

[PM] Then *maybe* you shouldn't be DRINKING ANYTHING!

[Skully] I don't have to take this abuse! I'm out of here!!! [He rolls out of the room.]

[PM] Go ahead! Leave, Skully! You're dead to me, you understand! Dead to me! Well, technically you're a ghost, so you were already dead. But you know what I mean!!!1!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rimmi: Wait a minute, that wasn't mine!

Mickey: And I don't think we'll ever forget the time where we all would just laugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Young Marge: Hello? I'd like to speak to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar.

Young Moe: Heeey, don't you try to prank me with a fake name. I will rip out your intestines and use them to make a landyard. Hello? Hello?! Oh!! (hangs up and looks at camera) And that is the origin of that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lita: Mickey, why are you talking about an episode of The Simpsons.

Mickey: Because I really enjoy the return of the prank calls.

<All of a sudden, Tork awakens from his coma and screams.>

Tork: I can't think of a good way to end this reply!!!!



Tork_110

Author Comment
MickeyTGardener 
PANTSMASTER!
Posts: 718
(6/26/04 3:24 am)

 3100: (OOC) Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure
You may recognize me from such rp replies as "Sam Has to Pee in a Cup for His Job at Walmart" and "I Don't Talk Anymore Because My Wife Was a Coked Up Whore". Recently Keenspace asked Pharaoh Mobius and the crew over at TftD to create some spinoffs of the smash webcomic to fill some holes in their lineup....and because 99% of their comics suck!


(The audience cheers wildly)

Troy: This is a pretty daunting task, so instead Pharoah Mobius churned out, in a matter 0f 4 grueling minutes, three new TftD spinoffs, transporting already popular characters....

AFLAC: Like me!!

Troy McClure: ...a ha ha....he's just kidding....he's not popular....Anyway, he transported already popular TftD characters into exciting locales and situations. First up, Pharaoh Mobius's wacky henchman Buffalo surprises even his closest friends.......again, I'm kidding...he doesn't have friends! Anyway, he surprises everybody...by being elected to Congress! Watch as the wackiness ensues and keep your eyes peeled for a certain pharaoh who may show up to wish Buffalo luck!


-------------------------------------------------------

(Country music plays and a montage of hilarious moments from previous episodes shows)

Stock singers:

o/' Ah'm on the ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyr o/'

Female stock singers

o/' And he's on the ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyr...with yooooooooooooooooou o/'


(Washington DC)

Congressman: The president and vice president are gonna be here! Today!

Another Congressman: What about that buffoon from NotEurope? Should we hide him?

Congressman (Errr...the first one): Who the hell thought it was a good idea to let that ass backwards American principality into the union anyway??

Another congressman (It's a short reply, you want names?): Well you voted for it, sir.

Congressman: Doh!

(In the bathroom)

Buffalo: Ah, ah shure lahke reading the newspahper when ah'm on the can

President Bush (Enters the bathroom): Hey, has anyone seen the bill of rights?

Buffalo: Where th' comics?

President Bush: I promise, we will catch the savages who did this!!!

VP Cheney: Uh, sir....that's not a press conference....that's you looking at yourself in the mirror.

Buffalo: Thar's only one pahge! What a rip! (Crumples it up and throws it over the stall...it hits Bush in the head)

President Bush: Ow! Wha...it's the Bill of Rights!

PM: Hey, guys! I've decided to pick now, at this very moment for no good reason to show up and wish Buffalo luck in his new jo (Toilet flushes) Buff-ALOOOOOOOO!

(Hearty sitcom laughter)

Buffalo: WHAAAOOOOOO!!1!!! HEE-YAHOOOOOOEEEEE!!!!
(Audience applauds wildly)

-------------------------------------------------------

Troy McClure: Welcome back! You know, could TftD ever be as popular if it weren't for everybody's favorite bartender
...
Manute: Manute finally get back in rp!

Troy McClure: Errrr, no. I'm talking about Rick! He's leaving for greener pastures and a bar that doesn't blow up all the time! But don't worry, an old loyal customer will be joining him! And don't be surprised if a certain old Pharaoh friend stops by!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

(Inside a dimly lit, but not Gumby Clay bar)

PM: Well, I better be going. I've got a date with the lady outside the drugstore who's always yelling. Good luck with the new bar, old friend

Rick: She told me she was washing her hair tonight. (Sighs) I'm so desperatly lonely

Audience: Awwwwwwwww!!!

Voice: Awwwww, quit your bellyaching, you big loser

Rick: Who....who said that??

Gramps: I did! It's me! Carmelita5738!

Rick: But you're d....d....d....dead!

Gramps: I died, but now I've come back as your love testing machine! I'm the LoveMatic Tranny!

----------------------------

Thugs: OK, waitaminnt, we're shutting this production down!!!!!

Troy McClure: Wha???

Thugs: By orders of Rupert Murdoch! This is very similar to an episode of a popular cartoon on our network.

Troy McClure: Ren and Stimpy? Grape Ape? Sorry....don't watch cartoons...

Thugs: Alright, Weissenheimer, you're coming with us....

MickeyTGardener
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the Watched Gigli and Lived to Tell Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Club
Meh.....that's all folks.

Author Comment
PharaohMobius 
Poin Protected
Posts: 109
(6/27/04 11:10 pm)

 3101: Linky: I am the terror that stalks in the night!
<Rick, Sam, Nick, and Buffalo look up from the game of Go Fish they've been playing. They see Linky standing there, wearing a dramatic black and dark green costume! The costume has elbow-length gloves, knee-high boots, form-fitting black pants and a black-and-green shirt with a stylized "L" on the chest, a waist-length green cape with black lining, and a villainous-looking mask! The boys are all speechless as they take this in.>

Linky (more emphatically): I said, I am the terror that stalks in the night!

Sam: Yeah, what's that about?

Linky: Aren't you guys intimidated by me?

Nick: I am. But then again, I'm not a cat person.

Buffalo: Yew scratched me one tahme, so I guess Ah'm intimerdated by yew.

Linky (glowering at Nick): I'm letting you knobs know that I'm striking out on my own! I'm going out in the world to make a name for myself: Linky Dragonclaw, Master Thief and Supervillainess Extraordinaire!

Rick: So *that* explains the Darkwing Duck impression. Do you think this is a good idea, sweetheart?

Linky: Of course it is. The Linky fans of the world demand it!

Sam: Linky fans??

Linky: Yes, Sam. Linkymania is sweeping the country. If you don't get on board, you're gonna miss the train!

Sam: ...right. So, you want to be a supervillain, huh?

Linky: SupervillainESS. I *am* a woman, if you didn't notice.

Rick: You sure are, sweetheart.

Buffalo: Oooh! Ah could write yew a theme song, if'n you want! <He reaches for his guitar.>

Linky: Touch that guitar and I'll scratch you again, yokel. <Buffalo looks scared, and a little hurt.> Anyway, when Moby gets back tell him I've moved on to bigger things. This cat's gotta fly-- err... yeah. You know what I mean. <She charges out of the room with an air of determination, humming a rousing march to herself. This must be her theme song. =)>

Rick: The boss isn't going to like this a bit.

Sam: Yeah, that's true. So, you have any fours?

Rick: Go fish.

Nick: Was it just me, or did she look kind of like Green Lantern? <The other three stare at him.> I mean, all that black and green. And the mask! And... stuff.

Rick, Sam, and Buffalo: It's just you.

TmPM
Linky was talking about starting
a plot arc similar to this, so I
figured I'd kick it off since these
guys aren't doing much now anyway. =)
Yellow light for Linky
Green light for the boys =)
Sarcophagus!

PM

Edited by: PharaohMobius  at: 6/27/04 11:17 pm
Author Comment
Linky
Vampire Bait
Posts: 1
(6/29/04 9:49 pm)
 3102: Linky Tries
Linky: All right. First things first, I have to get my sidekick back, so that means I need the money to pay for him. And if you're evil, and you need money, then you know what you gotta do.

[linky walks into a shop, wearing her Almost-Green-Lantern-But-Not-Quite outfit. A young woman sits at the counter, flipping through a book and picking at her nails. Linky approaches the counter.]

Linky: Excuse me, but I want you to give me armour.

Young Woman: Okay, it'll be 300 gil, please.

Linky: No, no, you don't understand. I want armour.

Young Woman: Right, and that'll be 300 gil.

[Just then a little boy storms into the shop, forcing Linky aside]

Little Boy: Sis! Sis! You won't believe it, I just saw the most amazing thing!

Young Woman: Hey! That's rude! I have a customer, you know!

Little Boy: Oh... sorry..

Linky: Er, no, go ahead, don't mind me. I can wait.

[Half an hour later]

LB: And then Superman was like "OMG, you can't do that! I'm Superman!" and then Lex was like "Yes I can! I don't care if you're superman!"

Linky: [to herself] Well, this is getting nowhere fast. FINE. [she pulls out a small pistol which is.... GASP ... a Techno Artist ray gun!] Don't make me do it, because I will!

YW: Eek! Don't shoot! Take my little brother, but not me!

Linky: Better fork over the cash, sister, if you want to avoid an amorous relationship with a voice synthesizer.

[She waits while the YW puts all the money in a bag]

LB: Hey, hey, what are you doing?

Linky: Robbing your sister, kid. What does it look like?

LB: But aren't you supposed to be a superhero? Look at your outfit!

Linky: What about it?

LB: Well, obviously if you have a cape you're supposed to be a good guy.

Linky: Yeah right! What makes you say that?

LB: Superman.

Linky: Count Dracula.

LB: Batman.

Linky: Magneto.

LB: Super Saiyaman.

Linky: .... curses! It figures I would meet my arch-nemesis on my first evil gig! Oi, sister, you done with the cash or what?

YW: Yes, yes, here, in the bag!

Linky: Good, thanks. [she opens the bag] What's this? Only 3 dollars?

YW: Well, I've only sold a couple of packs of gum today.

Linky: But this is a blacksmith's shop!

YW: The gum's made of copper.

Linky: ARG! Oooh, you won't forget this! I'll be back!

[She storms out of the store]



-Teh Linkeh
There WILL be a "Linky Tries Harder" for anyone who gets the reference XD

Edited by: Linky at: 6/29/04 9:50 pm
Author Comment
Carmelita9000
Posts: 323
(6/29/04 10:55 pm)

 3103: Jimmy: At last! We're here!
6969: At your grandfather's ancestral home in Florida?

Jimmy: Yeah. I thought we both knew that by now what with our taking all the time to come here and stuff.

6969: Yes, yes, I'm just providing background information for any readers who may have forgotten or who might be a little slow.

Jimmy: Ok, ok.

6969: Interesting how your ancestor's ancestral home was completely unlocked.

Jimmy: Of course it was! Do you really think my great great great great great great grandfather Tuthmosis, the best superhero ever, would advocate my breaking and entering??

6969: *sigh* I guess not.

Jimmy: Sometimes I think you haven't put your whole heart into this very important mission.

6969: Sometimes I think that book of yours... isn't all it's cracked up to be...

Jimmy: What's that supposed to mean?

6969: It's just that I have a bad feeling about this "very important mission."

Jimmy: Well it's a little late to be bringing that up now, isn't it? Right at the end?

6969: It's what I've been telling you frequently since we started!

Jimmy: Oh. Well I see how it is. That's really supportive.

6969: Don't you think it's strange that your great great great great great great *Egyptian* grandfather's ancestral home is in *Florida*?

Jimmy: Don't be silly. Obviously it wasn't his ancestral home at the time. He didn't have a chance to be anybody's ancestor yet!

6969: But that... wait... Now I'm confused.

Jimmy: Ok, ok. I have to go drop this stuff off. <He is referring to the large sack of valuable crap he has had slung over his shoulder this whole time.> You wait here.

6969: But I want to go with you!

Jimmy: No, that's ok. It's probably... dangerous over there. Couldn't risk it. You wait here.

<Jimmy takes off with his bag leaving Lita6969 standing around looking dejected.>

6969: Stupidy stupid book written by stupidy stupid grandpa asshat Tuthmosis...

<She continues grumbling to herself in this vein for several minutes when suddenly the door behind her bursts open startling her.>

6969: Ack!

PM: At last! My grandfather's ancestral home in Florida!

6969: Yes, Pharaoh, we exposited that already.

PM: Lita6969? What are you doing here?

6969: I'm here with Jimmy. We're doing the same thing you're doing, apparently.

PM: <dropping his heavy sack to the floor in surprise, an angry moo can be heard from deep within it> Jimmy's trying to take over the world? Wow. I have to admit, I'd never have expected it of the kid. I gotta tell you, he'll probably mess the whole thing up.

6969: No, he's not trying to take over the-- Is 9000's cow in there?

Deep within the sack: MOOOOO!!!! LET MOOE OUT OF HERE YOU BLOODY MOOANIAC!!!

PM: <innocently> No. <he pauses while Lita6969 stares at him and the cow continues to curse him from within the sack> Uh... yes.

6969: Hey, just out of curiosity... Were you led here by a book written by your great great great great great grandfather Tuthmosis?

PM: As a matter of fact I was! Heard of him, have you? Yeah, he's the greatest supervillain that ever there was. Led me right here. I just have to drop this stuff off.

6969: The book tells you to drop stuff off in a house in Florida.

PM: Not just any house! Great great great great grandfather Tuthmosis's ancestral home! And it doesn't just tell me to "drop it off." It's much more detailed than that.

6969: Oh yeah?

PM: Listen to this! <he opens up his book and reads out loud> "And I fay that you fhalt take the ftuff that you have ftolen from far and wydde and you fhall take it to my anfeftral homme at 3289 Ruddbridgge Layne, Filver Fprings Florida, 73452. And you fhall put all that ftuff in the hall and you fhall leave in grate hafte."

6969: He wants you to leave your bag in a hall?

PM: That's what I said! <PM picks up the sack again>

6969: And this will help you take over the world somehow?

PM: My grandfather wouldn't lie to me! Not to his great great great great great grandson!

6969: How would he know--

PM: Come on! I gotta put this stuff down. It's killing my back!

<Pharaoh Mobius takes off to find the hall and Lita6969, having nothing better to do, follows.>


Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
My spellcheck thinks "supervillain" should be spelled "supervision"
Just keep that in mind, Mobius.
Red Light!

Author Comment
MickeyTGardener 
PANTSMASTER!
Posts: 740
(7/5/04 5:11 pm)

 3104: Robo Pimp Daddy: So...how's Tork?
Rimmi: Oh right...you...

Robo Pimp Daddy: I haven't got all day. Look, I don't care if your friends in the hospital. I've got a somewhat evil plot here and it waits for no man!

Mickey: Well, I'll be in my room...damn mosquitos have been vicious lately...

Rimmi: (Knocks on Mickey's head) HELLO? YOU DROVE THROUGH THE FRIGGIN WALL!!!!!

Mickey: (Looks at Rimmi) Have you been feeling ok? (Leaves)

(Robo Pimp Daddy looks confused)

Lita: He has issues

Robo Pimp Daddy: Ohhhh......

Lita: I'm sure he'll come down with a nice case of West Nile or malaria soon

Evil Mike: Really? Promise??

Robo Pimp Daddy: I've had enough of this! It was I who brought on the plague of the Fantanas!

Lita: Ummmmm.....okay....but why?

Robo Pimp Daddy: Because you....I see....Well...ok, so I haven't thought that far ahead. But it involves my one true love, the fair maiden known as Rimmi!

Voice: She's not your true love!

Everybody: *Gasp*

Cara: I've finally found you, Rimmi!!!

Evil Mike: Alright!!!! Hot girl on girl action!!!

Rimmi: Oh.....hi...Ca....what was your name again anyway?

Cara: Oh you're so silly!

Lita: C'mon Evil Mike, let's leave these two alone

Robo Pimp Daddy: I'm here too!

Cara: Sorry...three's a crowd. I'm not into that sort of thing

Rimmi: Yeah! You heard he...ok....I should not be allowed to talk sometimes

Robo Pimp Daddy: I came here to get my revenge!

Lita: Sorry, that dance card is full

(Evil Mike grabs RBD and throws him out a window)

Rimmi: Hey! I was just starting to like him!

Lita (Notices something on the floor): Hmmm....a pair of dice

Rimmi: I'm gonna go catch him (Leaves)

Cara: I'm gonna go catch her catching him (Leaves)

Evil Mike: Yeah whatever....Mickey's probably not putting the Monopoly pieces back in the box again...

Lita: No...these dice are a lot more...satanic looking

Evil Mike: Monopoly's not satanic?

Lita: /a rolls the dice, Bono magically appears Huwha??????? (Lita jumps into Bono's arms)

Evil Mike: Ooooh! Make a Paris Hilto....um, Lita. Make a Lita.

Lita: These dice are obviously very powerful.

Bono: Hey, I need to finish working on the next album, do you mind?

Evil Mike: Go right ahead (Bono drops Lita and leaves)

Lita: *oof* Hey! Anyhoo.....just imagine the possibilities with these things!

Evil Mike: Yeah!!! (Has that weird Mickey's Death: The Musical fantasy again)

Lita: *sigh* Are you having that weird fantasy again?

Evil Mike: So what if I am?

MickeyTGardener
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the Watched Gigli and Lived to Tell Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Club
This reply had a bit of everything! I'm really cool sometimes!


GREEN LIGHT!

Author Comment
MickeyTGardener 
PANTSMASTER!
Posts: 852
(7/17/04 5:33 pm)
 3105: (Tork's still in bed)
Voice: Torkel J. Torkelstein!

Tork: (Wakes up) Wh...what???

Voice: It is time!

Tork: Wh...what time? Time for dinner?

Voice: My card (Hands card to Tork) I'm the Robot Devil.

Tork: GAH!!!!

Robot Devil: Yes....that's usually the reaction I get.

Tork: But I'm not dead. I'm not even a robot!

Robot Devil: That's what Ted said...but I got him.

Tork: It's a costume! See? (The zippers struggle) SEE?

Robot Devil: Don't play games with me! No one plays games with me...except Ted, we play Parchese every Wednesday night. Come along now.

(Back at GROPE HQ)

Mickey: Bill....bill....bill....Playboy for Evil Mike...bill...bill...Penthouse for evil Mike...bill...bill....Hustler for Evil Mike...bill...bill...Martha Stewart Living for Evil Mike...

2780: Is my Highlights here yet?

Mickey: Yep! Here you go! (Hands the magazine to 2780).....bill...bill....High Times for Evil Mike.....bill...bill...Cat Fancy for Evil Mike

(Lita looks at Evil Mike)

Evil Mike: WHAT? I was roped into the Publishers Clearing House, bought a bunch of subscriptions...(Lita looks at EM harder)...ok...they're adorable. Little kitty boo boos.

Lita: Then why do you blow them up?

Evil Mike: Why does man climb Mt. Everest?

42: He's got you there.

Lita: Oh, don't encourage him.

Mickey: Hey, it's a letter from Tork! Since when can you write letters in a coma?

Lita: (Opens it): Dear GROPE (STOP) In Hell (STOP). Send help (STOP) Possibly Lara Croft (STOP) And food (STOP)

Evil Mike: Pfft. What a drama queen. (Mockingly) Oooooh, I'm in Hell, la la la

Mickey: Why is it all charred like that?

Evil Mike: Whoa! Maybe he really is in Hell! One down (stares at Mickey)

Mickey: Well we can't just leave him there! One of us has to go get him!

Lita: Yeah....I gotta get my hair done.

Evil Mike: And I gotta laugh at her when she gets her crappy hair style (Lita elbows Evil Mike)

2780: Not it!

Mickey: HEY!!!!!

Lita: You'd send my most innocent clone down to He (covers 2780's ears) Hell?

Mickey: Of course not.....that just wasn't fair. 42?

42: I need to help 2780 with the What's Wrong with this Picture? picture.

Mickey: Why me?

Evil Mike: Because you suck.

Lita: Good luck Mickey. Remember, Jesus will be with you.

Mickey: Good...at least I'll have back up.

MickeyTGardener
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the Kathryn Greenwood Appreciation Society
President of the John Lee Supertaster Fan Club
Tork, I hope I didn't offend you're Cathological beliefs

Red Light

Author Comment
Carmelita9000
Posts: 335
(7/18/04 1:47 am)

 3106: PM: Here we are!
PM: This must be the hall!

6969: Looks like a hall to me.

PM: Looks like my brother has already left his stuff here.

6969: This is the stuff Jimmy and I plundered from all those temples. This is the hall.

PM: Wow, you guys had to plunder temples? I just had to steal some random crap. <he smiles to himself> Great great great great great Grandpa Tuthmosis always liked me best.

<PM puts his bag on the ground and unloads a number of items including but not limited to a PM puppet, a number of pairs of panties, a jar of Emeril's Essence, and Lord Kinsey Figgybottom the Cow who is sulking inside a hamster's cage-- (Cow: Of all the base humooiliations I've ever been subjected to--). PM sets these items in the hall and stands up.>

PM: Well, there's that done. I guess I'd better take off.

6969: Wait, you're just going to leave?

PM: Yeah, that's what the book said to do, right?

6969: Pharaoh, don't you find it even a little bit odd that your brother also has a book by Tuthmosis that tells him to dump a bunch of stuff right in the very same hall that you've been instructed to drop stuff in? Except that his tells him that it's in order to end all evil? And yours doesn't?

PM: Not at all.

6969: You're not seeing any inconsistencies here?

PM: Of course not! It's brilliant! Tuthmosis is the most villainous supervillain of all time! So of course he'd trick my foolish brother into gathering a lot of stuff thinking he was going to save the world, but actually strengthening the forces of evil!

6969: That doesn't even make any sense.

PM: It does too make sense. You just don't get it because you're not evil.

6969: I'm not a piece of cheese but I know how to make a quesadilla.

PM: What?

6969: Sorry... I'm kind of hungry. Jimmy's been so busy with that book of his that we haven't had much time to eat. Do you know if they have any Round Tables in Florida?

***

<Meanwhile, Jimmy is wandering around the house.>

Jimmy: For crying out loud. I've been lost for 20 minutes! How hard is it to find an exit in a suburban house? This isn't even a very big house! <He wanders some more> What's this? Why, I've returned to the very same hallway I left all those priceless artifacts in, as was instructed by my great great great grandfather Tuthmosis! In theory, by walking back down to the end of the hall I should end up back at the entrance to the house where I can rejoin my girlfriend and together we can greet a new world that is free of evil!

<Yeesh. Now you know why I usually try to give characters other people to talk to in my replies. Anyway... Jimmy starts to head back down the hall but pauses when he hears a noise.>

Jimmy: What was that? Maybe it's some malevolent malcontent trying to interfere with my plans of providing peace to the planet! <He gives the door to his right a suspicious glare, steels himself, and pulls the door open.> Hey!

6969: Jimmy!

Jimmy: What are you doing?

6969: Nothing!

Jimmy: Are you sure about that?

6969: Er... I realize this looks bad...

PM: She was just helping me replace a lightbulb in this here broom closet and we got locked in! Funny story really...

Jimmy: I don't see any light fixtures in there.

PM: Yeah, that's the funny part. See, we didn't notice until *after* the door closed on us that--

Jimmy: Your hat is on crooked.

PM: It is?

<As PM self-consciously reaches up to adjust his hat Lita6969 starts disentangling herself and makes her way out of the closet, closing the door behind her.>

PM: Hey!!

6969: Jimmy, I can explain.

Jimmy: Really? I'd like to hear it.

PM: You guys? Um... This door seems to have locked.

Jimmy: Let me guess. My evil brother just picked you up and dragged you into that closet against your will.

6969: No,

PM: Can you guys let me out of here?

Jimmy: You're not going to tell me that ridiculous story of Joe's is true.

6969: Well, actually...

PM: It's not that I'm scared or any-- ARRRRRGH!!! SOMETHING JUST TOUCHED MY LEG!!! WHAT IS TOUCHING MY LEG??? Oh. It's a mop... I think... Gee, it sure is dark in here!

Jimmy: Please. I know that Joe thinks I'm stupid but I thought you might have a better opinion of me.

6969: But it's true! Figgy saw the whole thing. Ask him!

PM: You know, I heard that if you stay in total darkness for too long you go blind. I just thought I'd mention it. No reason.

Cow: They were totally mooaking out. I saw the whole thing. They were all over each other. It was the mooost disgusting display I have seen for a long timooe.

6969: WHY YOU LITTLE SNOT I SHOULD TAKE YOU OUTSIDE AND GRIND YOU INTO A FINE POWDER!!!!

Cow: MOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Jimmy: Hey, quit shaking his cage like that!

PM: I wonder if I could develop photos in here...

Jimmy: What photos?

6969: He doesn't have any photos. He just wants you to open the door.

Jimmy: Yeah, whatever. You know, all my life whenever I had anything I thought was cool Joe had to come along and steal it! I should be used to it by now, right?

PM: I am a professional criminal!

6969: Pharaoh, if you don't want to help then you can just keep quiet!

Jimmy: Look, I'm gonna get out of here. I hope the two of you are very happy together.

6969: Jimmy! Wait! I don't want to be happy together with him!

PM: Hey!

6969: Don't leave!!!!! <There are a few moments of silence> Aww, shucks. And I really liked him, too!

PM: Lord only knows why. So he's gone? So that means you're going to let me out of here now, right?

6969: I guess I may as well. I mean, what else is there to-- hey, who are you? What do you want? Hey! Let go of me!! EEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!

PM: Lita6969? What's going on? Are you ok? <He pounds on the door and shouts a lot... to little effect> Aww, screw this! <He pulls out his zap pistol and shoots the lock off the door. PM comes out of the closet.> Har har har. <Sorry. How could I not?> Lita6969? Are you ok?

<He looks around, but she's gone! And so is all the other stuff that PM and Jimmy left in the hall!>

PM: Dammit!

Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
Red Light!

Edited by: Carmelita9000 at: 7/18/04 1:48 am
Author Comment
PharaohMobius 
Poin Protected
Posts: 125
(7/19/04 11:45 pm)

 3107: Tork: No way! Don't I get a trial first?
Robot Devil: Oh, fiddlesticks! You Americans with your fair trials! This always goes so much easier in third world countries. Okay, fine. You'll have your trial.

Tork: Do I get to pick my own lawyer?

Robot Devil: JEEZ!!! Do you want some friggin' milk and cookies, too??

Tork: Well, now that you mention it--

Robot Devil: Forget I said anything. Yeah, go ahead and pick your lawyer. But I get to pick the jury.

Tork: Deal. Who can I choose from?

Robot Devil: You can choose from Daniel Webster...

Tork: Who? Oh yeah, that one guy from that movie we had to watch in school. He helped the guy in the movie...

Robot Devil: ...Johnny Cocraine...

Tork: He's a slick lawyer. If anyone could get me out of this, he probably...

Robot Devil: ...or Sam Casey.

Tork: SAM?!?

Robot Devil: Sam Casey it is! <He snaps his fingers and Sam appears in a cloud of smoke (and not all of it is from being demonically teleported).>

Tork: D'oh!

Sam: What the Devil--

Robot Devil: You're half right, anyway.

Sam: AAAAHHHH! Bad trip! Way bad trip! What kind of crap did they cut this wi... <He notices everyone staring at him.> I mean, hey there, Tork! When did you start hanging out with the horned one?

Tork: He's taking me to Robot Hell. You gotta help me!

Sam: Whoa, that's a real bummer there, man. I gotta tell you though, metaphysical law is a little out of my league...

Tork: But I'm not even a robot!

Robot Devil: You are too! Just look at you, you lying liar!

Sam: Oh, this is a mistaken identity case? That I can handle. I did real good in my law classes at Harvard. (under his breath) Mind you, that was a few years ago... (normal voice) When does this trial start?

Robot Devil: Right now! Behold the jury of the robot damned! <He snaps his fingers, and a ghostly jury appears! The members include: C3PO and R2D2, that robot chick from Metropolis, Mr. Roboto (yes, from the Styx song), Rutger Hauer from Blade Runner, Isaac Asimov, Marvin the Paranoid Android, and Bill Gates!>

Bill Gates: But I'm not dead! In fact, I'm working on another operating system right now!

Robot Devil: You owe me big time, so you'll do as you're told!

Bill Gates: Yes master.

Robot Devil: Okay, let's get this stupid thing started so I can go back to tormenting doomed robots!

Marvin: You think you know torment? I've had the worst pain in the diodes on my left side for the last few millenia. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I'm just saying tha--

Robot Devil: Yes yes, that will do, Marvin.

Marvin: I'm not getting you down, am I?

Robot Devil: <ignoring Marvin> All right then, I--

Marvin: Because I'd hate to think I was getting you down.

Robot Devil: Enough! <He smacks Marvin.> Like I was saying, this pathetic fool is trying to weasel out of going to Robot Hell by claiming he's not a robot. Obviously he is. I mean, just look at him. He's all shinny and stuff! <There's a general consensus about this among the jurors.> And now, I open the floor up to wild accusations from the Jury.

C3PO: I saw this Tork_110 shoot lasers out of his eyes. <R2D2 whistles.> R2 says that Tork_110 tried to steal his robot girlfriend while R2 was performing access protocols with her-- R2D2, that is SICK!

Isaac Asimov: I saw a factory label on him that said "Three Laws Safe!".

Rutger Hauer: Tork told me that his model didn't have an incept date. That's not fair! I want more life, (web restricted)!

Bill Gates: It's a little known fact, but the POIN command is a function that was originally going to go into Windows ME!

Mr. Roboto: Domo domo!

Marvin: Oh god, I'm soooooooooooo depressed!

The Robot Chick from Metropolis: I hear there are teenagers inside of him that know karate! <Everyone stops in their tracks and stares at her.> What?? I heard that. Really!

Sam: Now just a minute, Mister Devil. The jury doesn't normall-- <Warren peeks his head into the room.>

Warren: Did everyone sleep well? <The Robot Devil spits fire at Warren.> EEEEK! <Warren runs away.>

Sam: But yeah. Juries don't normally make accusations! That's what witnesses are for!

Robot Devil: When you're running the court, you can make the rules. But until then, *I* call the shots, bucko!

Sam: Okay, okay, stay mellow, chief. I didn't mean to harsh your buzz. Anyway, I think I should get a chance to prove that Tork isn't a robot. Fair enough?

Robot Devil: Do your best. It's what you're here for.

Tork: You'd better not screw this up, Sam. I'm counting on you.

Sam: Relax, robot-ma-- I mean, Tork. I've got this totally under control. If there's one thing I know how to do, it's law stuff. <He clears his throat.> Now, ladies and gentlebots of the jury. When I got my Juris law degree from Harvard, there's one thing I learned that I've never forgotten to this day. It was that you must always... No, wait! NEVER... No, ALWAYS invoke the subclause of the... something... Wait, I've got it. Check it out, I can totally prove that Tork isn't a robot. <He turns Tork around and shows the Jury Tork's back.> See? There's a zipper! Therefore, this is totally a costume, right?

Robot Devil: That could just be a decorative florish in his design. If that's a costume, help him take it off.

Sam: Oh yeah! Watch! <He tries to undo the zipper, to no avail.> Dang, this thing is stuck. <He tugs on it some more, again with no results.> Geez, Tork! Do you *ever* take this thing off? <He pulls on the zipper again, this time pulling so hard that it hurts his fingers.> Ow! Dang, okay, this isn't working. Anyone here have any vegetable shortening or WD40? <The jury members shake their heads, with the exception of R2, who is holding a can of WD40 behind his back. R2 whistles innocently.> Dang. Well... uh... Oh darn, would you look at the time? <He looks at his watch, pushes a button on it, and VANISHES!>

Tork: The hell?!? Sam, you'd better not be ditching me! <The sound of footprints can be heard noisily running away.> SAM!!! Sam, you dirty (web restricted)!!1! If I ever get my hands on you I'll-- <He notices that the Jury is all gone, and that the Robot Devil has a hand on his shoulder.> I lost the case, didn't I?

Robot Devil: Ayep.

Tork: Dammit.

Robot Devil: That's the spirit!

TmPM
Ste-- I mean, paying homage to a little bit of everything!
Still red light
Sarcophagus!

PM

Edited by: PharaohMobius  at: 7/19/04 11:46 pm
Author Comment
MickeyTGardener 
PANTSMASTER!
Posts: 865
(7/20/04 10:58 pm)
 3108: (Something taps Mickey on the shoulder)
Mickey: GAH!!!!!

voice: Shhhh....utup! You're gonna blow everything.

Mickey: Who are you?

Lita2112: Lita2112....9000 sent me down here to give you backup. I'm a ninja

Mickey: Ninja....I don't think I'm gonna need a ninja. I'll probably just have to play a fiddle.

2112: Geez....some redneck writes a song a million years ago and it's Hell law?

Mickey: Well yeah! Didn't you see the statue of Jeff Foxworthy at the Hellmouth entrance?

2112: *shudder* I was trying to block that out. I want to kick some ass!

Mickey: Well, I guess today's not just your day, is it?

2112: Well, I guess you'll do in a pinch....

Mickey: So...Let's go to Hell, shall we...don't hit me

(Meanwhile)

Tork: That trial was unfair and unbalanced! Where was Vicki from Small Wonder on that jury?

Robot Devil: Why, I'd never put my wife to work!

Tork: (Horrified) You, sick, sick man!

Robot Devil: OK, first of all...SHE'S PLASTIC! Second of all....you're expecting morality from me? Third of all...SHUTUP!

Mickey: Stop it right there, you.......Tork thief!

2112: (/a sneaks up to the Robot Devil and kicks him, accompanied with a loud clanking noise) OWWWW!!!!!

Robot Devil: Woooooo....that tickles!

Mickey: Party's over Beezelbutthole! Give us back our Tork!

Robot Devil: Now there's no need for namecalling....Mr. Poopyhead. /a tosses Mickey a banjo

Mickey: Huwha?

Robot Devil: I like to mix it up once in a while. Now let's see....if you win blahblahblahblahblahblah, well we really don't need to get into that. (/a starts playing)

Mickey: Hey, don't I get to go first?

Robot Devil: Shutup...I'm getting my squaredance on! Yeehaw! Promenade!!!!!

(/a 2112 grabs Tork and they promanade....after a flourish the Robot Devil finishes up his song)

Robot Devil: Eat your heart out fat Dixie Chick! Now....you're up

Mickey: Um....alright. (/a plays one chord and the strings break)

Tork: D'oh!

Robot Devil: Awwww....too bad. Well, I guess I'll be taking all three of you

2112: But I'm human.....and Mickey's....somewhat human

Mickey: And Tork's human too! He's not a robot!

Robot Devil I'm an equal oppurtunity damner

Mickey: Maybe I can get you some donuts?

Robot Devil: You dare to offer me DONUTS????? On second thought...that sounds pretty good.

2112: You'll let us go if Mickey gets you donuts?

Robot Devil: No, I just said they sounded pretty good.

Tork: Hey, look over there!

Robot Devil: /a looks

Tork: RUN!!!! (Everyone runs)

Robot Devil: Ack! Third time this week! (Runs after everyone)

(Later)

Mickey: OK, we lost him

Robot Devil: I'm right here.

Mickey: GAH! (Everybody runs)

(Later still....)

2112: OK....NOW we lost him (/a glares at Mickey)

Tork: Good....now help me with this zipper......

Mickey: Yes...well.....2112?

2112: Fine....you big baby......(/a rips Tork's costume off)...well...hmmm...

Mickey: Least you could do is wear some clothes underneath the costume

Robot Devil: Aha! There you ar...oh...my....

Tork: See? I'm a human! I'm a human boy!!!

2112: (Looks down) Well that's a matter of opinion anyway

Robot Devil: GAH!!!! DAMMIT!!! Alright, I guess you're all free to go...but get me some donuts

Mickey: Sure....yajackass.

MickeyTGardener
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the Kathryn Greenwood Appreciation Society
President of the John Lee Supertaster Fan Club
Hell is a registered trademark of Satan Inc. All rights reserved.

GREEN LIGHT

MickeyTGardener
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the Kathryn Greenwood Appreciation Society
President of the John Lee Supertaster Club
Will make random stupid comments for food

Author Comment
Carmelita9000
Posts: 360
(7/29/04 10:36 pm)

 3109: Jimmy: Arrgh!!
Jimmy: I can't believe I got lost! Again!!

PM: Lita6969??? Where are you???

Jimmy: Geez. It's not enough for you to steal my girlfriend? You guys are playing cute games of hide-and-seek now? *sigh* I remember when I used to play hide-and-seek with Lita6969. It was great. And now it's all over. And it's all your fault, Joe! My own brother!

PM: Oh, shut up. I did not steal her and we're not playing hide-and-seek. What are you still doing here? I thought you left by now.

Jimmy: Oh, and you would really love it if I weren't here, wouldn't you? You and Lita6969 could be alone together. Really get some quality time!

PM: You got lost didn't you?

Jimmy: No, I... um... It's none of your business what I'm still doing here.

PM: Well it doesn't matter. Lita6969 is missing all the sudden. I think she's been kidnapped!

Jimmy: Are you sure she didn't just run off with some guy?

PM: Yes, I'm sure. Now are you going to help me rescue her or what?

Jimmy: Yes, I will, Joe. So that she will see what a great guy she's losing! And so that you will know that I'm too big of a person to let this interfere with business!

PM: You know, that whole taking-the-high-road tactic doesn't quite work as well if you say it all out like that.

Jimmy: It doesn't?

PM: No.

Jimmy: Dang...

*****

6969: Eeek! Who are you? What do you want?

<6969 is sitting in the back yard of the lovely home in which PM and Jimmy are currently bickering. Her hands are tied in front of her and she's watching a glum and dowdy looking man with poofy hair slouch around and fiddle with various machinery. Occasionally he pulls something out of one of the sacks that PM and Jimmy brought and attaches it to the rest of the machine.>

6969: I said, "Eeek! Who are you? What do you want?"

Man: I know, I know! You've only been saying that ever since I brought you out here!

6969: Well you didn't answer.

<The man grunts in reply and gets back to his fiddling>

6969: *sigh* Eeek! Who are you? What do you--

Man: Will you shut up for a minute so I can hear myself think? I'm in the middle of a very intricate procedure! Your yapping isn't helping me concentrate!

6969: Well, if you'd just answer my question...

Man: Oh, all right. Fine. If it'll shut you up. I am known as Dr. Z! And I am about to do something that has never been do--

6969: What does the Z stand for?

Man: What do you mean what does it stand for?

6969: Well it has to stand for something. Does it stand for Zeke?

Man: No! It doesn't stand for anything!

6969: Well fine. You don't have to be so rude about it. So you're behind all this Tuthmosis business, are you? You're not even Jimmy's or the Pharaoh's ancestor!

Dr. Z: Of course I'm not. Do I look that old?

6969: Well...

Dr. Z: I just wrote those books up to fool those two morons into doing my legwork for me. I can't do it myself. I'm too busy planning and plotting and working on my chart.

<He motions toward a few large concentric paper wheels (fastened together in the center so that they spin independently of each other in a delightful way) that has a number of symbols and drawings all over it.>

6969: <looking confused> You can read that?

Dr. Z: I sure can't. I devised the whole thing after a conversation with my spirit guide that I had late one night after eating a few too many tacos. You ever try Rowsdower's Pizza, Bulldozer Rentals, and Tacos? Rowsdower makes some potent tacos!

6969: So I've heard... So anyway,

Dr. Z: As far as I could make out, my chart was telling me to dupe those two saps and to get them to get various important artifacts to put into my machine in order to reach my ultimate goal!!!

6969: And you used some kind of weird mind control thingy in those books to fool my friends into believing it was really from their grandfather!

Dr. Z: Huh?

6969: Please tell me you used some kind of mind control or hypnosis or *something* to fool my friends.

Dr. Z: No... Just wrote the books, really...

6969: *sigh*

Dr. Z: So don't you want to hear what my ultimate plan is? It's really neat.

6969: I guess so...

Dr. Z: It's just occurred to me over the years that human beings are really dreadful people.

6969: Oh, I wouldn't say that. I tend to really like peop--

Dr. Z: Yes they are! Your argumentative nature is proof of that!

6969: Is not.

Dr. Z: Is too! Now shut up! People are always fighting and yelling and causing trouble. They'll be sorry one day. They'll all be sorry!

6969: Why?

Dr. Z: Because I'm planning revenge! On my friends!

6969: You have friends?

<Dr. Z's shoulders sag>

Dr. Z: No... But that's not the poin.

6969: Seemed to me like it was a very important poin. It had an exclamation poin at the end and everything.

Dr. Z: <ignoring her> Do you know what is in every way a superior species to the human species?

6969: Uh... I don't know... fish?

Dr. Z: Fish? Don't be stup... Although actually... <he pauses for a moment in thought> No, never mind. Don't be ridiculous. That's the dumbest idea I ever heard.

6969: So what species is so great then?

Dr. Z: The bovine species!!!

6969: Huh?

Dr. Z: <pulling Figgy's hamster cage out of the bag with a flourish (and eliciting a few angry swears from the jostled animal inside)> Cows!!!

6969: Yes, I know bovine means cows. That wasn't the poin. The poin is... Cows?

Figgy: You have a problemoo with cows, beeyotch?

6969: Language! I knew it was a bad idea to let you spend so much time with that wurwolf woman...

Figgy: wurwolf is a saint!!!

Dr. Z: This contraption I have been working on will solve the problem the Earth has been facing for centuries! Too many people and not enough cows!

Figgy: You're saying exactly what I've been thinking!

6969: What does it do?

Dr. Z: Well, I just suspend a human over this empty pool here and some important scientific things will happen that you wouldn't understand, and then the human will turn into a cowman!

6969: Ugh!

Dr. Z: I will create a new perfect race that will rule over the Earth! Cow people! And I will be their Cow King!

6969: Yeah. Good luck with that. I am *so* out of here. <she stands up>

Figgy: Dumoomooy. You're still all tied up.

6969: I still have legs!

Dr. Z: Soon you will have four legs!

6969: Whaaat???

Dr. Z: I'm not going to try it out on myself first! That would be stupid! You're first! <He grabs her by the arm.>

6969: No!!!

Figgy: Do mooy ears decieve mooe? 6969 is going to be a cow? I have dreamooed this day would comooe...

Dr. Z: And then I'll be a cowman too and you will be my cow bride!

6969: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Figgy: She's getting mooarried already? Oh, bugger.



Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
red light

Author Comment
Carmelita9000
Posts: 366
(8/3/04 11:41 pm)

 3110: Inside...
<PM and Jimmy are still discussing various current events when they hear a scream!>

Jimmy & PM: Lita6969!

<They run out to the back yard and see that Dr. Z has tied Lita6969 up and suspended her on a stretcher over an empty pool!>

6969: You guys! Help me! This maniac is gonna turn me into a cow!

Jimmy: He can't do that!

PM: Oh yes he can. I see now what's going on. He's taken all that stuff we stole and put it into his machine so he can combine the DNA of that cow <he poins at Figgy> and whoever is in that pool! <he poins at the pool> He totally stole the design from me, by the way... not that I'd actually *try* something like this...

Dr. Z: That's pretty much the gist of it. And once the transformation has taken place she will have all the innate fighting instincts of the cow! And she will KILL YOU BOTH!! MWA HA HA!!!

6969: I wouldn't do that!

Dr. Z: Of course you will! Because you will also be prone to the same homicidal rages as the cow!

Jimmy: Heh heh... She'll be a Mad Cow.

<Everybody gives Jimmy a blank look>

Jimmy: What? All you guys get to make funny clever jokes and I don't?

PM: Believe me, Jimmy. That was neither funny, nor clever.

Dr. Z: I'll just start the cowification process. <He presses a button>

6969: Eeek!

Jimmy: You've been on my back all day, Joe! Everything I've said you've had to make fun of. And I don't appreciate it!

PM: And don't forget about how I stole your girlfriend.

Jimmy: That tears it!

6969: He did not steal me!

<6969 is too late. Jimmy's already tackled PM>

Jimmy: Take it back you big jerk! And say you're sorry!

PM: In your *aargh!* dreams, Wiener!

<Dr. Z looks at his watch, up at his chart, and back down at his watch again. His lips move a little while he thinks about what this might mean. Finally he nods his head, having figured out what he's supposed to do.>

Dr. Z: Looks like I'm due to leave the scene of my crime and let my horrible contraption do its work unsupervised. Come see me after you're a cow, Sweetie!

6969: Don't call me Sweetie!

<Dr. Z shuffles off to a nearby toolshed and goes inside, closing the door behind him. Meanwhile, the stretcher that 6969 is lying on is slowly being lowered into the pool!!!>

6969: Um... you guys? Little help here?

Jimmy: <who is still wrangling PM and punching him from time to time for emphasis> Lita69 *punch* (PM: Ow!) 69 *punch* (PM: Ow!) was MY *punch* (PM: Ow!) girlfriend! *punch* (PM: Ow!)

6969: Because if you're planning on helping me it would probably be best if you did before-- <she notes that the stretcher is now lying on the floor of the pool and the machinery has gone silent> Oh. Too late.

<Lita6969 climbs out of the pool and approaches Jimmy, who now has PM in a headlock. PM manages a smile for Lita6969.>

PM: Hi, 6969! How'd you get out of there so fast? Weren't you tied up?

6969: I'moo really good with knots.

PM: Oh yeah! Now I remember! <Jimmy tightens his grip> ARRGH!!

6969: Yeah. Too bad it's all too late though. Now that I'moo a cow.

Jimmy: <critically> But you're not a cow.

6969: Oh, you don't have to try to protect mooy feelings. It think it's better if I try to accept mooy transformooation quickly. It'll help mooe adjust.

Jimmy: But you're not a cow.

PM: Why are you mooing?

6969: Because mooooing is what cows do.

Cow: That's just a bloody stereotype perpetrated by the liberal mooedia!

Jimmy: But you're not a cow.

6969: Sure I am. See these hooves? See these horns? See this tail?

PM: Er... no.

6969: Hmoomoo. How odd. I know cows have those things...

Jimmy: But you're not a cow.

6969: Oh yeah?? Well if I'moo not a cow then where did I get THESE??

PM: ...

Jimmy: ...

Cow: Damoon it all! TURN AROUND!!!!!

PM: Actually, you already had those.

6969: I did?

Jimmy: And how did you know that??? <He tightens his grip on PM again>

PM: *choke* I know it's hard for you but can you stop being an idiot for just fifteen seconds?

6969: Wait a mooinute...

Jimmy: Yes?

6969: I'm not a cow!

PM: You got it now!

6969: All that work Dr. Z put into fooling you guys so he can get parts to put into that machine and all it does is make somebody think they're a cow for a couple of minutes?

PM: Looks like. Now I'm glad I never tried that on my own. That would have been embarrassing.

6969: That's stupid!

PM: I'm surprised you're taking it like this... *choke*

6969: Of course I'm glad not to be a cow, but... What a rip-off!

Jimmy: Er, Lita6969?

6969: What?

Jimmy: Would you mind putting your... er... accoutrements back where you got them?

6969: Huh? ...Oh right! <she adjusts her top> So. You guys are gonna go beat up Dr. Z and turn him into the authorities now, right?

PM: <in a whiny voice> "Put your accoutrements back where you got them, Lita6969." Geez, just because you never have any fun doesn't mean you have to ruin it for everybody else!

Jimmy: She's my girlfriend!

PM: Not anymore! I thought you broke up!

Jimmy: That was your fault! <The two start fighting again>

6969: Right. I'll just go do it myself then.

<She walks over to the tool shed and closes the door behind her. A few minutes pass. The door opens and 6969 comes back out, alone, and closes the door again. She pulls the cow's hamster cage out of the machine before walking back to talk to the guys with it. By now PM has got the upper hand in the fight and is twisting Jimmy's arm behind his back.>

PM: Say "uncle," you little twerp!

Jimmy: No!!!

6969: SO! <the guys look up at her> I took care of the problem.

PM: Hey, that's pretty good work!

Jimmy: Stop complimenting her!

PM: If I were you I'd recognize that I wasn't in the position to give me orders!

Jimmy: Ouch!

6969: Seriously, will you two knock it off?

Jimmy & PM: Huh?

6969: Look, I'm sure we can work our problems out. Why don't we all stop acting like children and go out and discuss this over some lunch or something like sensible adults?

<Jimmy stands up abruptly, accidentally smacking PM with the back of his head>

PM: Aaaagh! Bah dose!

Jimmy: I think we've seen quite enough adult behavior out of you! Your behaving like an adult is what's causing all this fighting in the first place! It's about time you took some responsibility! Didn't your mother ever tell you that nobody will buy the cow if you hand out the milk for free?

6969: <6969 looks levilly at Jimmy for a few seconds before she appears to come to a decision.> You suck.

<6969 turns and walks back into the house so she can leave. Jimmy follows her. PM, in the meantime, has been approaching the shed>

PM: <to himself> She took care of Dr. Z by herself? What did she do?

<PM opens the door to the shed just a crack and peeks inside. Dr. Z. is sitting miserably, tied to a chair. Around him 4 scantily clad young women are dancing and singing in a somewhat distressing manner.>

Fantanas: o/` Wanna Fanta? Doncha wanna? Wanna Fanta? Doncha wanna? o/`

<PM backs away suddenly from the shed with a shudder and shuts the door tightly in disgust. He runs to the front of the house where Jimmy is standing, alone, and somewhat forlorn.>

PM: Jimmy, man, remind me never to cross Lita6969. She plays hardball.

Jimmy: She's gone, Joe. She's gone... And she stole my car!

<PM is all ready with a witty barb that will cut Jimmy to the quick, probably something to do with 6969 deciding not to buy a cow today, but then thinks better of it.>

PM: *sigh* Do you want me to give you a ride home?

Jimmy: Yeah, ok.



Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
Finally!
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